justin's - Untitled

In emergency
press lever down
slide doors open

says the train, as passengers
enter and dance through and around
each other, swans' necks tangled, painted
in starlight, slick sweat waiting for hungry eyes
and lost tongues; somewhere
along the line, we lost our ability
to smell, musty salty
human, active
human, ravenous
human;
try not to let my misery get caught
in your skin, lost in this
thick, wet night, this
last, hot night, this
emergency

press (lever)
down,
slide (doors)
open




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Justin, there is a unique voice in this poem that is different from the rest. Your images are very dynamic and are infused with tactile and acute sensitivity. The parallelism of the first and concluding stanza is well crafted; the conclusion reads is if ir were an antistrophe after a dramatic collision that occurs in the 2nd and body stanza.

This is a beautiful and well crafted poem; perhaps the strongest i've seen from you. My only recommendation is to consider the movement of your poem- for example, the line "dance through and around" sets us up for something graceful when in fact we are moving into a crowd- "dance" is an important verb as one of the first actions that takes place very early in your poem: are you sure you want us to "dance" into this poems of a potentially claustrophobic train ride? Why dance? There is no noise or music in your poem, - it is rather prosaic and necessarily so- I only mean to scrutinize "dance" to show that this is a rather important verb and if you feel "dance" is the appropriate action to begin your poem.

This is a very strong poem, hence my perfectionist scrutiny. It does not require much but perhaps a little more work can make it one of your best (that i've read).

thank you for sharing, there will be more to critique.